Art School [not so] Confidential

It was three years ago I packed my bags and left the dry barren world of “Antihomoland” for forward thinking New York. Why? Well, besides the sexual and social freedom as promised in the [imaginary] pamphlets, art school was calling. I don’t try and play with that bullshit “institute”, “conservatory”, or “university” bull, because I was going to an art school. That’s what it is and I hate when people refer to it as something less or more.

Like every other relatively attractive and sexually-modest gay man or straight female I was appalled by what I discovered at this place of learning: the supply of men was extremely low and overflowing with rejects. It was like every D-list high school guy in the country had seen the school as a way to get laid. I’m sure they do, sadly, and with women and/or men much more intelligent, attractive, and worthy than themselves. The attractiveness (even at a normal level) is sadly dwindling. The few good looking guys are total mansluts and the guys with “great personalities” look like extras from Night of the Living Dead. After a while I began to categorize men as I often do, and only grew saddened by what I saw.

 

The Daddy’s Boy: These guys usually are the only ones to join one of the two fraternities that exist at an art school. Generally they are lame and can be found usually as students in the school of architecture, industrial design, or the under-funded and underwhelming English department. They generally dress the same way every stupid Midwestern frat kid does, except many will be from Jersey. They’ll find almost any excuse to take off their shirts which (since they are at an art school which has a lack of athletic teams) is extremely disappointing and can even be horrific at times. They are mostly straight and mostly terrible in bed and will last only a few seconds after insertion, but they get way too much play due to the desperate girls (with their 3 to 1 ratio) who are in abundance around campus. They are likely to have several homosexual experiences, usually with each other.

 

The Ultima-Flamer: This kid gives us gays a bad name. He subscribes to the old generation of gays’ (you know, the one that got AIDS) philosophy that being fabulous, liking rainbows, and having a bunch of sex with as many partners as possible is the way to absolute freedom. He is most likely to have wanted to be in fashion design but with the extremely competitive nature of admission to the programs he most likely can be found in a fine arts major, graphic design, or dance therapy. Don’t be fooled though, I’m not talking about just the tight shirt and glitter wearing species; this also includes the Abercrombie Boys. He’ll put out, but really: Would you stick your dick in a needle box from an STD clinic even with a condom on? I didn’t think so.

 

The Jewy Straight Guy: Don’t get me wrong; I love the Jews. I hate pork and have been circumcised since I was a just a baby goy. The guys I’m talking about don’t necessarily have to be Jewish at all. Short, hairy, and with a penis the size of a Tic-Tac, these guys are quite OK with bringing up how much they love their mothers on the first date (we are talking under $15 a plate here, in Manhattan, including drinks). Found in animation, industrial design, film, and anything entertainment –related, these guys know how to party. Well, until they have had two beers, then they are wasted and you can forget about the whole “getting it up” thing. The benefit is they are quite loyal, but so is their hair to getting in your teeth. The Gays don’t really go there. Ladies, this one’s for you…

 

That Prententious Artist Fuck: Paint splattered pants have been out since around the time of the first Backstreet Boys CD but this guy makes them look hot. He’s been in many galleries throughout the city and he’s only a junior. A total art star, unfortunately he might be a bit of an art slut. Watch out boys and girls, because though he may give you a great orgasm he might also bestow upon you a nice case of herpes. Just wait until he starts critiquing your work. That’s when the real fun begins.

 

The Hipster: Anyone who has been to Brooklyn/NYC in the last five years knows what I’m talking about. The Hipster has flooded the streets of Brooklyn faster than gang violence and crack addictions. I don’t mind the hipster kids except for their disgusting music snobbery, the over willingness to pay way too much for ironic t shirts, and the mommy-and-daddy-funded two-grand-a-month loft space. I’m just jealous of the latter. The majority of them play guitar (or at least a few chords from an Interpol or Sonic Youth song) and they all have been “in a band”. This can be a plus in the cuteness area. They are all pretty gay, just wait it out boys.

 

The Punk: Ok, so I give you props that you have embraced the whole “Punk Isn’t Dead Thing” but considering your parents are dropping 40 grand a year in tuition, fees, and books plus your half of the rent for your Bed-Stuy apartment you should at least shower every now and then. Printmaking, painting, ceramics, and anything anti-establishment are usually the preferred majors of these once Hot-Topic shopping rockers. These guys are all for experimentation and I totally would dig them, if only they gave a shit about crotch odor. Eat trash if you want and pussy (though in my opinion they taste very similar) but for the love of non-third world countries everywhere, shower you motherfuckers, shower!

 

The Power Gay: These kids are extremely driven, extremely talented, extremely sure of themselves, and extremely unobtainable. Even straight men are driven to ponder the great “what if”. Usually somewhat attractive, their 4.0 GPA and full scholarships (no debt when they graduate means more money to spend on coke and martinis) make them even more eye-catching. Power Lesbians move over. These are the assholes that make you look like a piece of worthless shit at critiques. You won’t find these guys in the clubs on Saturday nights. They are in the studios working on their architecture models or fashion collections. Fortunately they’ll put out for the right guy (money, business connections, other power gays), but usually won’t let a relationship make it past the morning after.

 

The Emo/Goth/Hippy/Alternative Kid: Ok, so I guess no one told these kids that it’s ok to stop wearing a costume every day now. Eyeliner, colored eye shadow, crazy colored hair, pleather or patchwork pants: You’re different, we can see that. The problem is though I would totally respect you for wearing that as a sixteen year old in small town Connecticut, it makes no sense to keep it up when you’re in an institution of higher learning. Granted we’re at an art school, but these guys need to cut the literal crap and become a bit more subtle. You are not Robert Smith. Oh, and these guys will totally take it from the boys.

 The Normal College Guy: Do these really exist somewhere?

X Adam